The Woman in the Middle: Caring for Your Kids and Your Parents Without Losing Yourself

It’s 9:40 on a Tuesday night. You’ve finished the dishes, signed the permission slip, answered two work emails, and called your mom to make sure she took her medication. Your sister texts the family group chat asking who’s driving Dad to his appointment on Thursday. Everyone goes quiet. You already know it’s going to be you.

If that sounds familiar, you may be what people call the “sandwich generation”: caring for children and aging parents at the same time, usually while working and keeping a household running. I call it being the woman in the middle. And in my work with women here in Delaware, I see how heavy that middle can get.

Why the middle is so hard

Caring for the people you love isn’t the problem. Most of the women I work with would do it again in a heartbeat. The problem is what happens to you when there’s no one caring for the caregiver.

It often looks like this:

• You’re always on call. Your phone could ring with a school nurse, a doctor’s office, or your boss at any moment.
• You’re exhausted, but you can’t rest. Even on a quiet evening, your mind is running through who needs what tomorrow.
• Family tension is building. Maybe your siblings don’t help as much as you do. Maybe your partner feels like they come last. Maybe you and your parent argue about their care, and both of you leave the conversation hurt.
• You feel guilty no matter what. Time with your kids feels like time stolen from your parents, and the other way around. Time for yourself feels selfish.
• You’ve lost track of who you are. Hobbies, friendships, goals, the things that made you you, all got moved to “someday.”

For many Black women and women of color, there’s another layer. We’re often raised to be the strong one, the one who handles it, the one who doesn’t complain. That strength is real. But carried alone for long enough, it turns into burnout, resentment, and a quiet feeling that you’ve disappeared inside everyone else’s needs.

Signs the middle is wearing you down

You don’t have to wait for a crisis. It may be time to get support if:

• You feel tired most days, even after sleep
• You snap at the people you love, then feel guilty
• You can’t remember the last time you did something just for yourself
• You dread phone calls from family
• You feel stuck, like your own life is on pause
• You’re carrying resentment toward a sibling, partner, or parent that you don’t know how to talk about

Five things that help

1. Name what you’re carrying. Write down every role you’re holding right now: parent, daughter, partner, employee, sibling, friend. Seeing it on paper can make it clear why you’re tired. It’s not that you’re failing. You’re doing the work of several people.

2. Ask for specific help. “Let me know if you need anything” rarely leads anywhere. “Can you take Dad to his Thursday appointment?” often does. Specific requests are easier for people to say yes to, including siblings who have been sitting on the sidelines.

3. Set one boundary this week. Start small. Don’t answer the family group chat after 9 p.m. Say no to one extra commitment. Boundaries aren’t walls. They’re how you make sure there’s enough of you left to keep showing up.

4. Protect a small piece of time that’s only yours. Twenty minutes counts. A walk, a book, a bath, a call with a friend who makes you laugh. Put it on the calendar like an appointment, because it is one.

5. Let yourself feel it. Watching a parent age can bring grief long before a loss. Watching your kids grow can bring its own kind of grief too. Those feelings deserve room, not just a to-do list.

How therapy helps the woman in the middle

Therapy gives you one hour a week where you’re not responsible for anyone else. That alone can be a relief. But it’s also a place to do real work:

• Untangle family conflict, so you can talk with siblings, parents, or your partner without the same argument on repeat
• Practice boundaries with the people you love, and learn to hold them without drowning in guilt
• Rebuild your self-esteem, so your worth isn’t measured only by how much you do for others
• Get unstuck, and start making choices about your own life again
• Prepare for transitions, like a parent’s declining health, an empty nest, or a change in your marriage

In my work, I draw on approaches like Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), Internal Family Systems (IFS), and EMDR, depending on what you need. Many of the women I see aren’t looking to change who they are. They want to keep caring for their families without losing themselves in the process.

You’re allowed to be on your own list

Being the woman in the middle says something beautiful about you: people trust you, lean on you, and feel safe with you. You deserve that same care in return.

At Amani Healing Center, I see women in person at our office in Newark and online anywhere in Delaware or Maryland, including evenings, so therapy can fit around everyone else’s schedule. We accept Aetna, Highmark Delaware, and Delaware Medicaid plans.

If you’re ready to make some room for yourself, find the right therapist or call us at (302) 292-9942. You can also read more about my work or how I help women in the middle.

This article is for general education and isn’t a substitute for professional care. If you’re in crisis, call or text 988.