Childhood Stress and Chronic Illness in Women

Many of the women I work with arrive with a list. Not of feelings, but of symptoms. Migraines that started in college. A stomach that has been “sensitive” for as long as she can remember. Blood pressure creeping up in her late thirties. Back pain, jaw pain, a tiredness that sleep doesn’t touch.

When I ask about childhood, the answer is often the same: It was fine. Other people had it worse.

Sometimes that’s true. But often, as we talk, a different picture comes into focus. A mother who was overwhelmed. A father who was there but not really there. A house where you learned early to read the mood, keep quiet, and handle things yourself. Nobody hit anyone. Nobody went hungry. And still, a child’s basic needs, to be comforted, to be seen, to feel safe enough to relax, weren’t met.

There is growing evidence that experiences like these don’t stay in the past. They can show up in the body.

What the research shows

In the late 1990s, the CDC and Kaiser Permanente studied more than 17,000 adults in what became known as the Adverse Childhood Experiences, or ACE, study. They asked about hard experiences before age 18: abuse, a parent with mental illness or addiction, domestic violence, divorce, an incarcerated family member. Later research added emotional and physical neglect.

The findings were striking. The more of these experiences a person had, the higher their risk for many adult health problems, including heart disease, lung disease, diabetes, depression, and substance use. The pattern was steady: more adversity, more risk.

Two things matter here. First, this is a link, not a sentence. Many people with high ACE scores stay healthy, and many people with chronic illness had loving, steady childhoods. Second, the original questions didn’t capture everything. Growing up with racism, poverty, or a parent too stretched to notice your feelings can also leave a mark, even if it doesn’t fit neatly on a checklist.

How childhood stress gets into the body

Children are built to rely on adults to help them calm down. When a scared or upset child is comforted, her stress response switches on and then switches off again. That’s healthy.

When comfort doesn’t come, or when home is unpredictable, the stress response may never fully switch off. A child learns to stay on alert. Over years, living in that state can affect sleep, digestion, blood pressure, inflammation, and the immune system.

Children also adapt in ways that make sense at the time. You stop crying because it doesn’t help. You stop asking because the answer is no. You learn to ignore hunger, fatigue, and pain because there’s no one to tell. Those habits can follow you into adulthood, where you push through a migraine to finish the report, or dismiss chest tightness as “just stress” for months.

What unmet needs can look like

It’s easy to think this only applies to obvious trauma. Often it’s quieter. You might recognize some of this:

Your feelings were called “too much,” or ignored
You were the responsible one, caring for siblings or a parent
Love felt like something you earned by being good or helpful
The adults in your home were loving but overwhelmed, sick, or absent
Nobody asked how you were really doing
You learned that needing things made you a burden

None of this means your parents were bad people. Many were doing their best with what they had, sometimes while carrying their own unhealed pain.

Why this matters for Black women

Researchers use the word “weathering” to describe how years of chronic stress, including the stress of racism, can wear down health earlier in life. Black women in the United States have higher rates of high blood pressure and other stress-related conditions, and many carry heavy caregiving loads on top of demanding work.

If you grew up being told to be strong, keep it in the family, and never let them see you struggle, your body may have been carrying more than anyone knew, including you.

What this does not mean

This is the part I want you to hear clearly.

Your illness is not your fault. Your childhood did not “cause” your condition in any simple way, and you didn’t make yourself sick by having feelings.

Your symptoms are real. Understanding the role of stress doesn’t mean anything is “all in your head.”

Therapy is not a replacement for medical care. Keep seeing your doctors, keep taking your medications, and get new or worsening symptoms checked.

What this does mean is that your history may be part of the picture, and caring for it may help you care for your body too.

What can help

Work with your medical team and a therapist. They can do different jobs. Your doctor treats the condition. A therapist can help with the stress, patterns, and old pain that make it harder to live with.

Learn to notice your body again. Many women who grew up taking care of everyone have trained themselves not to notice hunger, tiredness, or pain. Therapy can help you hear those signals sooner.

Practice asking for help. If you learned that needing things made you a burden, asking for help as an adult can feel almost impossible. It gets easier with practice, and it matters for your health.

Make room for rest that isn’t earned. Rest is not a reward for finishing everything. Your body needs it whether or not the list is done.

Look at what you’re still carrying. Trauma-informed approaches like EMDR, CBT, and Internal Family Systems can help you work through old experiences so they have less hold on you today.

A few questions to sit with

When did your symptoms start, and what was going on in your life then?
What did you learn as a child about having needs?
When your body hurts or feels tired, what do you usually tell yourself?
Who takes care of you?

You can start with what’s true now

You don’t need to dig up your entire childhood to begin. Many women start with, “I’m exhausted, my body is struggling, and I’m tired of pushing through alone.”

At Amani Healing Center, our therapists work with women carrying old pain into adult lives. Jessica Johnson focuses on childhood emotional wounds and generational patterns. Jasmine Brooks helps young women heal from painful experiences earlier in life. If you grew up as the responsible one, our free course, The Oldest Daughter, is a gentle place to start.

We see clients in person in Newark, Delaware, and online across Delaware and Maryland. Find the right therapist or call (302) 292-9942. We’ll get back to you within one business day.

Sources

Felitti VJ, Anda RF, Nordenberg D, et al. Relationship of childhood abuse and household dysfunction to many of the leading causes of death in adults: The Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACE) Study. American Journal of Preventive Medicine, 1998. doi.org/10.1016/S0749-3797(98)00017-8
Geronimus AT, Hicken M, Keene D, Bound J. “Weathering” and age patterns of allostatic load scores among Blacks and Whites in the United States. American Journal of Public Health, 2006. doi.org/10.2105/AJPH.2004.060749
Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. About Adverse Childhood Experiences. cdc.gov/aces

This article is for general education and isn’t a substitute for professional medical or mental health care. If you’re in crisis, call or text 988.